In the aftermath of a prolonged labour and traumatic birth, Aysegul Savas feels lost to herself and disconnected from her baby. Overwhelmed and exhausted, she struggles to heal from the birth, both physically and emotionally, and feels invisible to her loved ones, who are seemingly more interested in the baby than her. It is only by accepting help from others that Savas begins to establish a new normal and regain control over her life. In many cultures and religions, forty days is seen as a period of trial and transformation and often involves journeys into the wilderness. In her debut essay, Savas reflects on the raw and transformative wilderness of the first forty days of motherhood - a space of contradiction, of chaos and care, of mothering and being mothered.