My name's Bacon Sobelowski, and I'm trying to find my someone. Kenny Rogers sings a song that says there's someone for everyone, and in Bellevue where I live, Kenny Rogers' word is gold. It's just too bad my mother thinks girls turn boys into pigs, but that's probably just because my father had enough of her Eggos and walked out. But maybe she's right. I'm not sure if Sarah is my someone because she got mad and smashed chili peppers into a cut on my head, and maybe my someone wouldn't do that. Karla could be it because she lets me stay at her condo, but she might be too old to be my someone. Then there's Mr Kwon's daughter, but she's sort of my cousin and I'm not sure if sort-of cousins can be someone's at the same time. I think it might all come down to timing, and if that's true then I'm in trouble. I'm Bacon Sobelowski -- who knows if I'll ever find my someone.