Because We Are Bad: OCD and a Girl Lost in Thought

en Limba Engleză Paperback – 12 mar 2018

The true story by a teenager with OCD

'Extremely compelling' – THE GUARDIAN
'Remarkable' – WASHINGTON POST
'A beautifully-rendered memoir' – PUBLISHERS WEEKLY

Because We Are Bad is a gripping, fast-paced non-fiction memoir that takes you inside the invisible war of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) — where a single intrusive thought can feel like a verdict, and where the mind insists that certainty is the only form of safety.

From the outside, Lily is a bright, capable girl navigating school, friendships, and family life. On the inside, her days are governed by dread: unwanted images, taboo thoughts, sudden spikes of anxiety, and the persistent fear that thinking something “bad” means being bad.

OCD is not neat, quirky, or harmless in this story. It is urgent, intelligent, and exhausting — an illness that hijacks logic, steals time, and makes ordinary moments feel dangerous.

Written with razor-sharp clarity and literary elegance, Because We Are Bad has the pace of a thriller: a page-turning true story of rituals and mental compulsions, of moral panic and secret rules, of the desperate bargains made to keep disaster away.

Lily Bailey captures the looping nature of obsession — the way intrusive thoughts return, mutate, and demand new answers — while showing how shame and silence can tighten the trap. This is narrative nonfiction at its most intimate: an OCD memoir that turns a private disorder into a vivid, cinematic reading experience.

Yet this is not only a story of suffering. It is also a story of survival, insight, and recovery — the hard-won shift from fear-driven obedience to the possibility of freedom. With compassion and hard truth, Bailey traces how OCD distorts identity (“because we are bad”), and how naming the disorder can become the first step toward reclaiming the self. If you have ever lived with anxiety, panic, depression, perfectionism, rumination, or the crushing need to “get it right,” you will recognise the emotional squeeze of a brain that refuses to let go.

Inside this unforgettable mental health memoir, you’ll find:

A vivid, honest portrait of life with OCD and intrusive thoughts, including the isolating pressure to appear “fine.”
The hidden mechanics of compulsions — checking, reassurance seeking, avoidance, mental reviewing — and how they can escalate in secret.
A moving coming-of-age journey through fear, courage, family, and the complicated work of growing up with mental illness.
A voice that is intelligent, humane, and fiercely readable: candid, darkly funny at times, and always compassionate.

Because We Are Bad is essential reading for anyone searching for an OCD memoir, an obsessive-compulsive disorder autobiography, or a powerful mental health book that combines literary nonfiction with real-life urgency. It’s also a valuable read for partners, parents, friends, teachers, therapists, and caregivers — anyone who wants to understand what OCD can look like beyond stereotypes, and why reassurance and “just stop thinking about it” are not solutions.

For readers who love high-impact nonfiction, this autobiographical non-fiction book offers the immediacy of a personal story and the insight of psychological nonfiction without ever turning into a textbook. It speaks to the private logic of obsessions and compulsions, the loneliness of secrecy, and the radical relief of being understood. Above all, it offers a clear-eyed message: you are not your thoughts, and you are not alone.

If you crave narrative non-fiction that is emotionally intense, psychologically precise, and impossible to put down, Lily Bailey delivers. Because We Are Bad offers the rare combination of speed and depth: the propulsive momentum of a true life story and the enduring resonance of a book that changes how you see the mind.

Discover the memoir readers recommend for its honesty and its hope. Pick up Because We Are Bad today — and step into a story that turns private terror into language, clarity, and finally, release.

About the Author

Lily Bailey is a model, writer, and mental health campaigner.

As a child and teenager, Lily suffered from severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). She kept her illness private, until the widespread misunderstanding of the disorder spurred her into action. She began campaigning for better awareness and understanding of OCD. Because We Are Bad is her first book. She has written two books for children on mental health themes, When I See Blue and When I Feel Red.

Reviews

'Often as chilling as Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar, but also full of so much inner and external turbulence that it reminded me at times of The Bourne Identity and Memento. Readers will root for Lily, even when she is attempting to run away from the realities and sometimes authorities chasing her.' – HUFFPOST UK

'A harrowingly honest memoir' – KIRKUS REVIEWS

'Because We Are Bad is an emotional, challenging read. Lily takes us deep into the heart of the illness but she is also a deft writer, and even the darkest moments are peppered with wit and wry observations.' – JAMES LLOYD, OCD-UK

Buy the book and start reading

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Specificații

ISBN-13: 9780993040740
ISBN-10: 0993040748
Pagini: 256
Dimensiuni: 129 x 198 x 16 mm
Greutate: 0.23 kg
Editura: Canbury Press
Colecția Canbury Press

Cuprins

Table of Contents

1. Chesbury Hospital. Lily Bailey is in Chesbury Hospital, a private facility in London for patients with mental and physical illnesses. Lily is 19. 'The observation room is next to the nurses’ station; they keep you there until you are no longer a risk to yourself.'

2. My Friend. Lily is in the playground, but her imaginary friend is not the others. She lives in her head all the time. 'Two of us sat side by side in my head, woven together, inseparable. She didn’t even have a name; she was just She. Really, it was hard to say where She ended and I began.'

3. The Letter. Lily gets a letter from school, which must contain terrible news. Lily hides the letter from her grandmother because this terrible news must not reach her father and mother. Lily is bad. Very bad. Her cousin has died: Lily killed him with a thought.

4. New School. It is Lily's first day at Buxton House. The other children laugh at Lily. She repeats the words: 'Fresh start. Fresh start. Fresh start.' Lily creeps into her sister's room because Ella could stop breathing at any moment. It is important to check that Ella is alive.

5. Mum and Dad. Lily is told to be concerned with hygiene when visiting the swimming pool. Lily resolves to take this very seriously. Her routines intensify. Intrusive thoughts pop into her head. Mum and Dad's arguing worsens.

6. Swearing in Church. 'Church is not the place for these words, but we can’t make them go away. Fucking boring ass church. Crap, fuck, shit, wanker, cunt.' Lily is one of the best at maths, but when Lily makes a mistake her friend in her head says: 'Stupid. Stupid. Stupid'.

7. Most Apologetic Girl. At the Buxton House Leavers’ Awards, Lily receives an unusual award. ‘I’m sorry I was laughing when you walked past me in the corridor yesterday. I want you to know it was about something Mia said. I wasn’t laughing at you.’

8. Hambledon. When she moves to boarding school, Lily's routines intensify. 'Recording our mistakes has become our full-time occupation. Most words are generated when interacting with other people, like at mealtimes or when everyone is hanging out in the dorm.' She lists her errors for 4 hours a day.

9. Running from Words. Lily takes up athletics to flee from the lists that form in her heads. If she can run fast enough, the exertion - the sheer breathlessness - will silence her mind.

10. Stumbling. Unable to keep up with her routines and overwhelmed with her lists, Lily's world finally collapses. She rushed to the bathroom. 'We curl up in a ball and rock back and forward. Normally the cold tiles make us feel better, but today they don't'

11. Special Needs Department. Lily has to take GCSEs and is awarded 'extra time' because she is a 'slow processor'. Her friend in her head takes issue with the extra time Lily has been given. She scolds her: 'Lying scummy cheat. Lying scummy cheat. Lying scummy cheat.'

12. Coming Home. Lily feigns an illness so that she is discharged from school. Her mother picks her up and takes her to a homeopathic doctor who prescribes some pills. Her mother also takes Lily to a GP, who finds her iron is low. She is referred to a specialist

13. Doctor, Doctor. At a psychiatric hospital, Lily meets Dr Finch for the first time. Her friend insists there is no need to see this doctor. Has she ever let her down? Dr Finch says Lily has OCD: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Her friend is unhappy. 'OCD is a mental disorder. What we do is good'

14. Pills, Pills, Pills. Having an invisible friend is unusual in OCD, Dr Finch explains. She says that Lily is not a bad person, but is worried about being a bad person. Lily must do CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. She tells Lily to rest from her routines. Lily's friend is unhappy and mocks her.

15. Driving. Lily goes on a car journey with Dr Finch. Lily's friend is protesting, whining. Dr Funch says: ‘You know who your “friend” reminds me of? A wife beater. She beats you up in your head and calls you names when you don’t do what she says, and you follow her instructions because you’re scared'

16. Those Who Love Me. Dr Finch sets Lily homework of graded exposure. To help cure her OCD, she has to resist recording lists of people she cares the least about. Lily decides she must do everything to make Dr Finch happy. But Lily wants to stop taking the anti-depressants she has been prescribed

17. Thailand. Working in a nursery in London, Lily fears she has abused the children or that their food is unhygienic. During a gap year at a Thai orphanage, Lily's intrusive thoughts mock her. Her friend cackles about the basic washing up: 'Are you going to get sick?'

18. Dublin. Lily starts an English degree at Trinity College, lodging at university halls in Rathmines. The voice in her head grows frantic during Freshers Week, and she writes to Dr Finch about managing her OCD. Dr Finch says: 'Tackling OCD involves taking risks to find out what actually happens'

19. It Is My Fault. Things reach a crisis point in Lily's life and she decides to give up her battle against the voice in her head, her OCD, the endless list-making and routines. She is found by her university friends and an ambulance is called

20. Mental Ward. Lily is transferred from intensive care in an Irish hospital to the psychiatric unit. She tells the psychiatrist: ‘I’m a bad person. I spend my life trying to be good and it’s never enough.’ ‘Is there anything else?’ ‘I love my doctor. I’m obsessed by her. It’s not an OCD thing.'

21. Harley Street. Back in London after returning from Ireland, Lily is festering, writing endless lists. She is taken to a private consultation in Harley Street. Dr Dax says she will admit Lily to a private hospital in London, Chesbury. Lily escapes from her parents and ends up in a high-rise flat.

22. Urine Test. Worried that she will contract HIV and die, Lily is forced to give blood - and a urine sample is demanded. Lily recites the Old list: I am preoccupied with four categories: BITCH LIAR, BODILY FUNCTIONS and PERVERT.

23. Loser, Friend. Lily's list-making continues apace as her obsessive compulsions continue even during treatment, but she finds a friend and soulmate in Frankie and they have adventures together, breaking into an old part of the Victorian hospital building.

24. Skating. Lily complains that Dr Dax at Chesbury Hospital is not giving her CBT for her OCD. 'I scream at her and ask her why she keeps changing my medication without explanation. My SPOILT category is going into overdrive, but for once, I don’t care.'

25. Ashleaves. Lily is transferred to a rural hospital. She still goes through her OCD routines, including the list-making, but her medication is stablised – and she is given CBT to combat her obsessive behaviour

26. Nursery. Discharged from the hospital, Lily starts work at a local nursery in London. 'I picture the 0.01% of germs that couldn’t be washed off by the antibacterial soap crawling from my naked fingers deep into an apple segment, ready to be delivered into the innocent mouth of an unsuspecting child'

27. Journalism. Still suffering from OCD, Lily gets an internship at a local magazine and meets an attractive surfer dude, Doug. Lily wonders if she is introducing obscene terms into the articles she writes. Lily gets a dog, Rocky, and finds that she does not worry about him being unhygienic

28. Rocky. Lily is encouraged to an OCD support class, where she finds talking to fellow sufferers helps. 'I remember what Dr Finch said: ‘Your routines feed off isolation'.'

29. The Truth. Lily meets an older man and slowly comes to terms with her OCD. I have existed for 21 years. I didn’t live them all, but from now on I am hoping to. Sometimes... grey thoughts saunter in like unwanted dinner guests; the trick is not to invite them to sit at the table.'

Recenzii

'Often as chilling as Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar, but also full of so much inner and external turbulence that it reminded me at times of The Bourne Identity and Memento. Readers will root for Lily, even when she is attempting to run away from the realities - and sometimes authorities - chasing her ... an intense heart-rending roller coaster of a book ... Because We Are Bad is the most engaging and well-written account of mental health experiences I have read and should be on the reading lists of courses for mental health professionals.'

– WILL BLACK, HUFFINGTON POST
'It's a fascinating read... Buy the book! Buy the book!'

– JO GOOD, BBC RADIO LONDON
'Remarkable... She writes with literary poise and a gift for mordant observation and self-deprecating humor that belie her youth. I hope this book finds a wide readership. It will offer solace to OCD sufferers who will understand that they are not alone and who might gain hope of remission; for other readers, it will provide a harrowing sense of what many OCD sufferers have to endure just to get through the day.'

– SCOTT STOSSEL, WASHINGTON POST
'A harrowingly honest memoir of profound psychological struggle. In her courageous book, the author offers compelling insight into the pain and destructive power of OCD as well as the resilience of a young woman determined to beat the odds.'

– KIRKUS REVIEWS
'London-based model and journalist Bailey offers an authentic and stunning account of her struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder in this beautifully-rendered memoir.'

– PUBLISHERS WEEKLY
'Because We Are Bad is an emotional, challenging read. Lily takes us deep into the heart of the illness but she is also a deft writer, and even the darkest moments are peppered with wit and wry observations.'

– JAMES LLOYD, OCD-UK
'A fascinating read. It's brilliantly written; I felt inside your head.'

– RAY D'ARCY SHOW, RTE RADIO 1
'I laughed, I cried. I could not put this book down. Intensely moving with flashes of black humour, Because We Are Bad is the compelling account of one young woman's experience of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.'

– ROSANNA GREENSTREET, FREELANCE JOURNALIST

Descriere

A true story of a girl with a strange childhood. By the age of 13, Lily has killed someone with a thought and spread untold disease. In secret she performs elaborate rituals, but the lists in her head just keep growing.

Textul de pe ultima copertă

By the age of thirteen, Lily Bailey was convinced she was bad. She had killed someone with a thought, spread untold disease, and ogled the bodies of other children. No act of penance was ever enough—no matter how intricate or repetitive.
Beautifully written and astonishingly intimate, Because We Are Bad recounts a childhood consumed by obsessive compulsive disorder. As a child, Bailey created a second personality inside herself—“I” became “we”—to help manifest compulsions that drove every minute of every day of her young life. Now she writes about the forces beneath her skin, and how they ordered, organized, and urged her forward. Lily charts her journey, from checking on her younger sister dozens of times a night to “normalizing” herself at school among new friends as she grew older, and finally to her young adult years, learning—indeed, breaking through—to make a way for herself in a big wide world that refuses to stay in check.
Charming and raw, harrowing and redemptive, Because We Are Bad is an illuminating and uplifting look into the mind and soul of an extraordinary young woman, and a startling portrait of OCD that allows us to see and understand this condition as never before.

Notă biografică

Lily Bailey is a model and writer. She became a journalist in London in 2012, editing a news site and writing features and fashion articles for local publications including The Richmond Magazine and The Kingston Magazine. Lily lives in London with her dog, Rocky.

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