For the first time, thoughts of suicide floated in and out of my mind. I think my mind imploded, yet I confided in no one and managed daily to put on the happy face and demeanor of The Bean.
The Death Monkey Rides Having a "monkey on my back" is an idiom that can describe a burden, a heavy weight to carry, or a problem that won't go away. For me that monkey represented thoughts of suicide that became heavier and more frequent over time. I learned that my own mental Depression is what provided fertile ground for the monkey to grow. This animal clung to my back for years whispering in my ear that all my troubles would go away if I just worked up the courage to kill myself. Sometimes I agreed with the monkey of death.
Starting during childhood, that little bastard hitched a ride on my shoulders and got bigger and heavier as I grew up. He's still barely clinging to my back and still tries to talk to me occasionally. But with a lot of help from therapists and anti-depression medications, the monkey has become almost weightless, and I don't hear his voice anymore. With any luck he'll eventually be gone for good.
With professional treatment most people can learn how to deal with their Depression. I believe this illness can affect anyone, no matter who they are, what they do for a living or what face they wear in public. There is help out there and you deserve it.