During the Hellenistic period you couldn't swing a dead cat three feet in any direction without hitting a verbose, toga-wearing, wine-swilling philosopher in the back of the head. However, since that golden era of logical thought, philosophizing has been in a state of decline. The sole purpose of this book is to take Americans back to a sweeter time when philosophical questions were not only politely asked, they were damn well answered Why do scientists love monkeys? How can we make fortune cookies better? Does Oprah need shock collars for her guests? What is a love chicken? Why buy your kids from Wal-Mart? Why do vampires hate lamb with mint jelly? What is hu-falf? Why serve death row inmates take-out from Outback Steakhouse? When is it acceptable to dress a dictator in a bull suit? Why do we need to save the beautiful ski people of Aspen? This book addresses the questions that Americans never imagined they'd ever have to ask, much less answer. The text, written entirely by a crow, breaks down the philosophical underpinnings behind American culture and elucidates life in an entertaining, unusual, easy-to-understand way that explains the phenomena and evolution of American philosophy.