When Gerda Charles says she is the cousin of Robert Dudley, the lover of Queen Elizabeth I, she isn't joking. And for most of the past 500 years she's been trying to find a way to die. Thanks to the help of a big-busted girl called Lalla and the man who narrates this gleefully strange story, it looks like she may well have found a way. Although the narrator isn't very happy about it at all?