Missing: one mum, one dad, my sanity. His mother went to sell a flat and never came back. His father, a gold smuggler, left to live with a series of secretaries. David, aged 12, stayed in their flat, alone. Being abandoned is distressing but David's story becomes comic as he fends off men who want to show him their telescopes, writes absentee notes to school, and falls in lust with an au pair girl. His school suspects nothing as his essays are fine. He knew he'd be sent to an orphanage should he be discovered, so he kept it a secret. Painful but written with humour, this is the real 'home alone' - the ups and the downs, from learning to cook to the first kiss.