And as always I will be scouting forever for you my beloved darling if you still exist, and I will wonder if you might be somewhere down there. Or maybe you are walking some other place or maybe you are dead. Are you perhaps in the village doing some shopping again, or are you just hid behind the barn lying there dead or alive playing with our children and I will smile to myself when I think of these children and our lives together. These children, they might be two girls, and one would be a girlish girl and the other would be a boyish girl, to compensate the fact that we never got a son if we didn't. And I would smile to myself when I think of these girls. These two young girls they would be so cute both of them, and then they also would be completely different from each other and the one would look just like me in my young days and the other would look like you, more peaceful. I might not be the lucky man who gets a son who looks like me or even several of them but I hope at least that when I get old then I will have two daughters and at least one of them will be like a son to me. I hope my little boyish daughter in the future she will be just as skinny and as strong as me, then I will feel that she reminds me of myself and how I used to be. Then I will smile when I think of her and me, and she will remind me of myself, the young and better me, and I will know that deep inside she is my boy and not a simple girl. Actually I feel that she absolutely a boy should be. So secretly I will raise her to be a boy because their lives are better and the girls have harder times and then it seems like a waste of time and life to be a girl it would be a waste of time and life a girl to be. I will raise her to have a full life and be an equal to the other boys, and wherever I walk she will follow in my footsteps and then she will learn to be a man and as a man she will be strong and competent to take all decisions in life. Then she will not be a pale little wimp who would suffer and cry in pain, instead she would be strong and rugged as a grown man, and I could see her from my window working at our farm, digging a deep hole to bury me in when my time comes. I would be sitting there close to my window looking out and wondering why she was digging such a deep hole and then I would think of my wife and perhaps I would realize that I didn't know where she had gone or what she was doing but she had surely been gone for a long time. I will not know if you will be long gone, you must have forgotten to say and you haven't talked to me for a long time . Sometimes I think I can see you down there in the yard and then I will wave my hands and shout out. I will knock impatiently on my window and I will shout at you. - Come here, I will cry helplessly - I 'm up here I would shout. -Locked in here up at the attic I would be desparate -Come and help me out But unfortunately you will not be able to hear me.