Bedtime Stories for Academics

Talia Argondezzi is the director of the writing and speaking program at Ursinus College. She frequently contributes satire and humour to The New Yorker and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Her book of humorous advice is called Lean the F*ck Out.

Preface: A Note from the Author on Sources. Also, Several Half-Hearted, Pre-Emptive Apologies. Essentially, a Meditation on the Futility of Issuing Disclaimers about Satire 
Part 1: Tenure, or the Lack Thereof 
1. The Odyssey; Or, the Professor's Quest to Find a Job Near His Hometown 
2. Rumpelstiltskin, Chair of the Promotion and Tenure Board 
3. A Powerful Genie Attempts to Secure Aladdin a Tenure-Track Position 
4. The Associate Professor of the Practice Who Flew Too Close to the Sun 
5. Sleeping Beauty Is Nearly Denied Tenure
6. Cinderadjunct 
Part 2: Research 
7. Narcissus and Echo Attend a Conference
8. Lily "Red" Ridenhood Meets Her Dissertation Supervisor 
9. The Tortoise and the Hare Execute Their Research Agendas 
10. Goldilocks and the Three Reviewers 
11. Huck Finn Fakes His Own Death to Avoid Writing One More Grant Proposal 
12. The Researcher Who Cried "WOLF!" (Well, Only a Little Fraud) 
13. Peter Piper Planned a Peck of Perfect Projects 
Part 3: Teaching
14. The Art Building Is Falling Down
15. Hansel and Gretel Defeat the Evil Witch (Their Professor)
16. Jack and Beanstalk, the University's New Learning Management System
17. Hester Prynne Demands Her Scarlet "A" Be Changed to an "A "
18. The Princess, the Pea, and the Difficulties of Remaining Sensitive
19. Professor Rip Van Winkle Awakens to Find the Culture Has Changed
20. A Finals Week Christmas Carol

Part 4: Service, Advising, and "Other Duties as Assigned"
21. The Big Bad Dean and the Three Little Profs
22. Jo White and the Seven First-Year Advisees
23. The College Resolves Pinocchio's Mental Health Concerns
24. The Search Committee Attempts to Find Little Bo Peep's Lost Sheep
25. Shirley Holmes, Faculty Meeting Parliamentarian
26. Professor Prometheus Chairs the Assessment, Research, and Outcomes Committee
27. Professor Sisyphus

Part 5: More Stars of Myth and Fairy Tale Join the Staff
28. The Pied Piper, College Admissions Recruiter
29. A Message from Bacchus, the New Director of the Study Abroad Office
30. Chicken Little's Administrative Assistant Determines Whether the Sky Is Falling
31. Residence Life Busts Robin Hood for Selling Drugs in Nottingham Hall
32. A Letter of Resignation from King Midas, Director of the Career Office
33. Cassandra's Prophecies about the College's Financial Situation

Part 6: What Happens, in the End, to Typical University
34. The Board of Trustees' New DEI Initiatives
Book Club Discussion Questions